Marriage: Who Gets the Steering Wheel?

"...the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." Ephesians 5:23

There are many verses in the Bible that describe the relationship between a husband and a wife. I have to admit, I am often very conflicted when it comes to my role in my marriage. There are times when I have no problem with--and in fact actually fully desire--my husband taking on the leadership role in our marriage. There are other times, however, when I would really rather I have full control and resent any attempt on my husband's part to play leader.

Since this is such a complicated issue, I will be exploring this topic over the course of a few days. I will be looking at:

1) Who Gets the Steering Wheel? - a look at what the Bible says about marital relationships.

2) When No One Steers: -what if the wife is leaving the leadership role open, but hubby doesn't step up?

3) Fighting Over the Steering Wheel-what happens when husband and wife fight for leadership?

4) Steering in the Wrong Direction! - what happens if hubby is making the wrong decisions?

5) Wrong Driver? -what happens when wife takes over?

6) He Steers, She Navigates: -striking a balance in marriage

So, today is day #1. While I'm sure many of you are familiar with what the Bible has to say about marriage and marital roles, there are still many who are not so familiar or never really paid attention to it. As I have already admitted, I have a difficult time with some of the things the Bible says about marriage and the role of women. I am honestly not sure what to take at face value and what has changed with time. For example, women in Biblical times were not educated, so it made sense for them to be told not to speak in church... but that doesn't really make sense anymore as women have gained the right and access to education, so their words can carry the same wisdom as a man's.

Secondly, pretty much ALL of what is written in the New Testament concerning marriage was written by single men. While these men were chosen by God to be among the first followers of Christ, I cannot help but think that they were still human, and as such, fallible. They laid out rules for a relationship they had no experience in. However, while these men were fallible, their words are in the Bible, which is said to be the infallible Word of God. Ultimately, I am still unsure about New Testament views on marriage. I think this is important for you to know before I get into this series, as my doubt over this core issue may effect my interpretations of the Bible. As such, you, dear reader, need to approach this series with your critical thinking cap on and make your own assessments of my analyses. For the sake of clarity, I will present Biblical views at face-value. I will share my struggles in certain areas, but I will default to trusting the Bible as being the higher authority on the matter, despite my reservations.

The most notable verses on marriage roles include:

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NIV)

"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives." 1 Corinthians 7:39 (NIV)

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." Ephesians 5:21-23 (NIV)

"...husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:28-33

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." Colossians 3:19

"1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.


7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." 1 Peter 3:1-7

What have I gleaned from these verses?

-Marriage is a lifelong commitment
-Husbands are the authority figure in marriage (NOT authoritarian)
-Husbands must protect their wife's spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental well-being
-Wives must lift their husbands up through their respect, reverence to God, and purity
-Both husbands and wives are responsible to satisfy each other's needs
-Both husbands and wives have equal right to God's grace

So what does this mean? This means that husbands have been appointed head of household within their marriages. However, this appointment comes with a tremendous responsibility. Husbands are to be to their wives, what Christ is to the Church. This does not mean men are to be "gods" to their wives or "lord over" them. This means husbands are to look to Christ's example and lead their households accordingly; making Godly decisions and loving their wives.

This doesn't mean that women are free from responsibility, however. There is a mutuality in a marriage relationship. While men and women are given different roles, they are still both expected to contribute to the relationship.

I hope you'll come along with me as I explore different dynamics that can result when men and women misunderstand their roles and the beauty of what can happen when they strike the right balance. As I've said before, I am an imperfect person... and my imperfections are never more clear than when I explore my relationships with others. I'm hoping that by exploring this topic myself, I will find a way to strike that perfect balance in my own marriage and I will learn not to be so skeptical of the Bible in this matter.

Until tomorrow!