Marriage: Girl Power?

(This is part 5 of 6. Please refer to my first post in this series before reading the following)

We're nearing the end of our marriage series exploring the different relationship dynamics that can occur in a marriage and how they compare to God's plan for marriage. God's plan involves appointing husbands to the leadership role, and wives to the submissive role. However, our plan doesn't always follow God's plan too well. We've explored what happens when no one leads, when both fight to lead, when men lead poorly, and today we're going to look at what happens when women lead the marriage.

I think the first question we have to ask is why is the woman leading? There are a variety of reasons why a woman might step up to the role of headship in a marriage:
1) She wants to lead: -Many women desire to be take the lead and have trouble taking direction from others. This may be due to a lack of trust or an excess of pride.
2) She has to lead: -Hubby isn't taking on the role and someone has to step up and give the marriage direction
3) She's better at leading: -Hubby is the passive type or is making poor decisions. He's delegated the role of leader to his wife.

In general, I would say that women often pry leadership away from their husbands (myself included!). Sometimes men step aside quietly to avoid a fight, other times women just happen to win the tug-of-war. Either way, it's not a healthy position for a marriage to be in.

But why? Times have changed since the Bible was written! Women are educated, have equal rights, and have a voice in today's society! Why shouldn't they have the right to lead their marriage as well? Well, most days a marriage is at balance and the couple are heading forward in mutual agreement. Problems arise, however, when the couple disagrees on an issue. Someone has to give in and yield to the other. It's a necessary fact of conflict resolution. God has appointed women to be humble and trust their husband's decision on spiritually neutral issues they disagree on, and therefore yield to their husbands when disagreements arise.

I have a hard time with this too. Don't think I'm a perfect, quiet, submissive wife; humbly yielding to her husband's will. Nuh uh. I'm a feminist. I fight for women's rights and equality. I like to have my say--and my way! However, I have come to learn through my experience that equal does not mean identical. Men and women are equal. This is made clear in the Bible when it says "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:28 NIV). But equal does not mean they are the same. Obviously there are significant differences between males and females, and with those differences come different roles.

Men are meant to lead, but they have been so emasculated by today's society that they either don't know how to lead anymore, or they are afraid to lead for fear of looking like a sexist jerk. Women have come to think that they have the right to trample on men--and God help the man who tries to protest.

Have you ever met a severely hen-pecked man? A man whose wife has taken complete control away from him? It's as though she's ripped his very soul out! He is a sad, lifeless, shell of a man. For men, the opportunity to lead--to be able to feel needed, to protect his family, to have a say in how his family is run--is his lifeblood. It's what makes him feel like a man. And women need to love their husbands enough to let them have this.

Now, this is not to say a woman needs to hand complete control over to her husband and never have a say in her marriage. A good leader will always ask for direction from his closest advisors, and a great leader will find ways for his followers to grow, flourish, and use their gifts... but more on that tomorrow (we'll be exploring the perfect balance in marriage!)

The important thing is, a wife needs to be willing to relinquish the "steering wheel" to her husband. Some husbands will gratefully take over and drive the marriage like a pro once given the opportunity. Others, however, will need a little extra help. Some men have had the steering wheel ripped from their hands so often and for so long, they no longer know how to drive. In this case, women will have to find ways to help re-train their husbands on the art of leading.

How can a wife do this? Well, she can encourage him in small ways to make decisions and praise him for the decisions he makes. She can submit to him on issues he feels passionately about (as long as his decision is not sinful).

There are special circumstances out there where men absolutely refuse to lead. Sometimes it is necessary for the woman to take over leadership responsibilities for the sake of the marriage. However, we must be careful to make sure that the man absolutely has no desire to lead and is expressly delegating leadership responsibilities to his wife, whom he believes to be more skilled. If a man is refusing out of laziness, he is sinning. If he is refusing out of fear of his wife, his wife has been sinning.

The point is, God wants husbands to be leaders in their families. It is a husband's responsibility to ensure he is leading in accordance with God's will, and it is a wife's responsibility to encourage her husband's growth as a leader, and to have the humility to yield to him on decisions. She can voice her opinion still. She is still his equal. Her role appointed by God in marriage may be different than her husband's, but it is still of equal importance.

While I know I still struggle a great deal with the idea of submiting to my husband ("submit" has long been a profane and painful word in my ears...), I want to try my best to not only allow my husband to lead, protect, and provide for me... I want to be the wife who encourages him to do so. I want to make sure I do everything in my power to help him become the man God wants him to be... and I know from reading His Word, that God does indeed want my husband to be a leader in our marriage.



Tomorrow we'll look at what a balanced marriage looks like. What does it truly mean for a husband to lead? How can a wife be submissive without feeling inferior?