Painful Truths: Grappling with Grief

The thing I hate most about grief is that it makes me selfish. I turn inward. I cradle my pain and hold it close, even though I detest it.

Pain reveals the worst parts of me. My fear. My jealousy. My anger. My bitterness.

People are quick to offer grace to me. They tell me that it’s “understandable”, but I hate that those parts of me exist. People have praised me for my honesty, but there are times where I desperately wish I had a poker face. My heart is on my sleeve because that’s where it’s been skewered— squirming helplessly out in the open, unable to hide. For better or for worse.

Sure, my compassion shows. My love. My joy. But that same heart is also incapable of hiding its anger, its hurt, its fear. The naked truth is that I end up hurting and disappointing people. And I resent myself all the more.

Pain reveals the darkest parts of me and forces me to confront it. Will I be consumed by my own darkness, or grapple with it?

My Creator is the only one who knows how to buff out those flaws and mend the broken pieces. He is the only one who knows what the perfect version of me is supposed to be. He is the only one who can restore me, because he carries the reference picture for my fully redeemed heart.

I’ve had trouble trusting and believing. Believe me, I’ve cried the same questions as the rest of humanity: “God, are you there? Do you love me like you claim to? How can you be Good and allow this to happen?”

God did not break the world. We did. God created perfection and we wanted more.

The only way God could give us the joy of experiencing Love is by giving us a dangerous gift: free will. God gave us His heart, let us hold it in our hands, and we chose to shatter it. And in His pain, God revealed His true nature: Mercy.

Since the very first day humans broke God’s heart, He has been busy making repairs-- making things right. Unlike me, He did not withdraw or lash out in His pain. He continued to pursue. He continued to love. He continued to forgive.

Blaming God for my suffering and questioning His love would be like a child shattering a precious vase and angrily blaming his parents for the fact that his fingers got sliced on the broken shards. But my Father is there. He rushes back in every time my anger subsides, and I finally let Him in close enough to bandage my wounds.

I am loved. And because I am loved, I am being transformed. This naked, broken heart will be mended. This pain is a process that has revealed my cracks and now I can let God get to work repairing them.

And someday, when this broken world slices me open again, I hope that a new truth is revealed: I am whole. I am restored. There is no more darkness in me left to reveal because God has replaced my heart with His own. And that heart only bleeds love and mercy.

Let's "Be Real" For a Minute...

"...put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." 

-Ephesians 4:22b-24

 I am often at war with myself--- with my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I'm very open about this ongoing battle (hence this blog dedicated to my many "Stumblings"...), but sometimes I worry that I'm trapping myself in this identity and excusing myself from growing---that I'm confusing my sinful attitudes with my core identity. 

My generation glorifies "realness." We scrunch up our noses in contempt of those we deem "fake." While this attitude is rooted in a healthy desire to break down the walls of hypocrisy, sometimes I fear that it inadvertently encourages perpetual immaturity. We cry out for acceptance, but refuse to grow. We have a "take it or leave it" approach to our relationships and expect others to silently put up with us as we are or get out of our lives---with no room for humbly accepting rebuke or challenge--which results in us surrounding ourselves with like-minded "comfortable" individuals who enable us to remain as we are.

In its healthy and true form, being "real" involves confessing our shortcomings/sins and repenting of them. What does that mean? That means we acknowledge our unhealthy attitudes and we commit to change and growth. We hand them over to God and pursue Him instead. We become more like Jesus in accordance to our identity as children of God. The outcome: a more selfless and loving attitude. 

In its unhealthy and debilitating form, being "real" stops short of repentance. We have no problem confessing our shortcomings, but we neglect any responsibility for them.We use "I am" statements to fuse our attitudinal shortcomings with our core identity in an attempt to exempt ourselves from growing or changing. "I am anti-social/introverted", therefore I don't have to try to reach out and love others (they should come to me!). "I am passionate" therefore I should be excused for acting angrily or rudely (people should agree with me anyway!). "I am smart" therefore I am right (and I have nothing to learn from others!). Most of us have our core list of "I ams"--- the attitudes we hold so closely and so tightly that we get defensive or fearful if anyone even comes close to suggesting we change or grow in those areas. We shrug and declare "it's just who I am." The outcome: a more selfish and isolating attitude. 

We always have a responsibility to our actions. We can choose to be joyful, loving, patient, and gracious even when we don't feel like it. Choosing an outward action that doesn't necessarily match our inward feelings is not "being fake/hypocritical", it's maturity. Choosing an outward action that doesn't match what we say we believe is hypocrisy. And perhaps many of us "real" people are bigger hypocrites than we care to admit, because we fail to discern the difference between our feelings and our beliefs. 

A hard truth I've come to grapple with is the fact that if I'm feeling defensive (which I often do), I'm acting out of fear and pride, and not the selfless love I've been called to. There is absolutely nothing for a child of God to feel defensive about.  We are either being accused of something untrue and, by the grace of God, our lives can stand in testament to that and He will justify us, or we are being confronted with truth and have an opportunity to humbly repent and grow. Either way, there is no place for defensiveness among God's children.  As we have been instructed to "...do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.' Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life." (Philippians 2:14-16a--- the whole chapter of Philippians 2 is actually a great reminder...)

When we boil it all down, there is actually very little we can fuse so tightly to our identities that we can honestly say "This is just who I am, there's no changing that!": I am a child of God. He has given me unique gifts to lovingly and selflessly share with this world for His glory. That's it. Even the "gifts" can change! My giftings are not my identity. My position as a child of God is who I am. Made in His image and being transformed to match the character of Christ Jesus. That is  my core "I am", my identity. All my other "labels" hang on that central identity. I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a professional, a Canadian, a (fill in the blank)-- but I am a Christ-follower, a Christian first. A Christian woman. A Christian wife. A Christian Canadian. And that core should radically affect all other areas, not the other way around. 

Jesus may have met people where they were at, but that doesn't mean he let them stay where they were at. An encounter with Jesus was as challenging as it was amazing. It was life-altering. It required a commitment to growth and maturation. And while no one who encountered Jesus was instantly perfected, they were instantly transformed.

God, 

Give me the strength and courage to let go of the broken pieces of my sin and insecurities and exchange them for the wholeness of my identity in Christ. Transform me, Father. Bolster my faith so that I can be bold in my true identity as your daughter. 

Amen. 

I've Got This Under Control....?

I like to think I’m in control. I carefully organize, plan, and plot my personal and professional life in incremented goals and self-imposed deadlines to give myself the illusion of order in the chaos of life.

And all too often that illusion comes crashing down.

Today I found out that I am NOT pregnant. Again. Back when I thought I had control over something as simple as my own fertility choices, I planned on having four kids. I dreamed of having those four adorable little munchkins 1-2 years apart so that I could start around 23 and be done by the time I was 30. Instead, here I am, years later, with one beautiful $12,000 IVF baby and thousands of additional dollars spent in my attempts to have more. This past year alone I’ve spent MONTHS plagued by hormone-induced insanity in my pursuit of children. I’ve had two cancelled IVF cycles (due to my dysfunctional uterus), one embryo that didn’t survive its Ice Age,  and two failed IVF cycles--thanks to embryos that chose not to stick, despite being given every opportunity of making themselves at home in an eager, medication-prepared uterus.

That’s three children that didn’t come to be. Three sparks of life that failed to ignite. Three dreams shattered. I had already figured out what day they’d be due. I guessed their sex (2 of them were boys, and 1 a girl). I had begun to think of names and plan on how I was going to announce my pregnancy and how I was going to introduce them to their big sister. Plans. Goals. Dreams. Control.

And what do I do when I feel out of control? My anxiety ramps up. My temper flares on a short fuse. I try to find someone to blame for the chaos my life has become-- the meaninglessness of my suffering, the unfairness of it all. I cry, complain, and snarl at God… how could He possibly be in control? And if He is, how can He possibly be Good?

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Like a tantruming, entitled toddler, I throw myself onto the ground and scream in my Father’s face. How dare he defy my will? How dare he claim to know what’s best for me? How dare He?! Does He even love me anymore? Does He even care?

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity...No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:35, 37-39)

Just like a young child who is convinced that what they want is good and they deserve to have it on their timeline, without understanding the love and good intentions of their parents, so too do I fall back into spiritual immaturity and demand my wants on my timeline and misunderstand God’s plan for me.

Control and anxiety have become indicators of pride in my life. I become self-focused and self-centered. I take my eyes off of God and aim for a different prize. I become consumed by my desire to accomplish my goals and attain my desires---and God or other people better not get in my way.

I recently came across a quote by C.S. Lewis that said, “Humility is not about thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” By that definition, I am one of the least-humble people in the world. Pride isn’t always about loud boasting. It can also be about quiet self-absorption.  I am so easily consumed by how I feel, what I want, and what others must be thinking of me, that there is often very little room left for thinking about God or the needs of others.

And I’m supposed to be leading ministry??

I often hesitate to tell anyone my struggles now that I am in charge of Family & Children’s Ministry at my church. I feel pressure to be perfect. To have it all together. To be a “prime example” of Christian living to those I lead. And yet, by attempting to control my image and attempting to put up a facade of “Christian perfection”, I fall far short of God’s standard of “perfection.” I take my eyes off of Him. I shift my care away from others and begin to only care about how I’m being perceived.

Control is a false comfort. We cannot control anything. We are utterly powerless in this life. God is the only one who can control anything, and yet we refuse to trust Him. We doubt either his competence or his goodness. We face tough times in the chaos of life and we begin to question whether God truly cares.

But the truth is, He does. It is no mistake that the bible says “Do not be afraid” more times than any other phrase. He knows that we are easily shaken by our fragile, powerless, mortal condition. He knows that we falter in our trust. (Uh, hello?... Peter nearly drowned himself after suddenly doubting the Guy walking on water in front of him...if there was ever someone to have reason to trust 100% of the time, you'd think it would be a disciple in the middle of witnessing a miracle!)

But His promises remain: He is with us. He will not leave us. He will not stop loving us. He is in control. He is eternally Great & Good, despite what our broken World would have us believe. We are challenged to persevere and grow. We are challenged to give our foolish sense of control over to God. We are challenged to believe God’s promises even when we don’t feel like it. We are encouraged to keep going and come out of our trials stronger than we went in.

I will persevere. I will be humble in the face of personal pain or chaos, because of the Spirit of God working in me. The love Jesus has already shown me is enough to motivate and sustain me. I will choose to believe that God is with me, even when times are tough.

Because “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

Evangelist-- Bringer of Good News?

What do you think of when you hear the word “Evangelist” or “Evangelism”? I don’t know about you, but I used to have a pretty skewed understanding of what those words meant. I’m not sure if my misunderstanding was just my limited life experience, but those words used to conjure up images of bible-thumping “fire-and-brimstone” preachers. Even my own attempts at “evangelism” as a teenager were actually more like an insurance sales pitch: We’re bad people. Jesus died so that God will let us into Heaven when we die. We just need to say the “magic words” and try to follow the rules and then we have a ticket to eternal bliss after we leave this sorry planet, instead of going to hell.

All of this is a far cry from the “messenger of Good News”, that an “Evangelist” is supposed to be. We need to decide what the “good news” actually is. Is the “good news” that life on this planet is depressing and meaningless, and that death is even more painful if we don’t get our ticket stamped? Or is the Good News that Heaven came to earth. That God became human. That God wants an actual relationship with each and every one of us?

Jesus is the good news. Jesus didn’t just come to stamp admission tickets into heaven. Jesus came to give us the opportunity to have a personal and intimate relationship with God himself. Jesus gives us the gift of forgiveness. The gift of redemption. He gives us the gift of friendship and love. He gives us the gifts of Heaven now. Being a Christian doesn’t mean enduring a meaningless life in hopes of getting into Heaven someday. Being a Christian means befriending Christ and pursuing a loving relationship with God so that he can establish the Kingdom of Heaven through us.

Evangelism isn’t some kind of religious sales pitch. Evangelists are children of God that are so in love with their Savior that they just can’t help but bubble over with excitement when they talk to others about this amazing relationship. This isn’t some cosmic numbers game with God and the Devil competing for souls! This is a loving God who refuses to force himself on anyone, but freely offers choice. This is a God who humbled himself and became human so that he could pursue us and relate to us.

And THIS is GOOD NEWS!  

BOLD

Today's message is brought to you by: 

Acts 4

This passage immediately brought me back to a favourite camp song that I sang many times in my youth. You can check out this video, or just read the lyrics below: 

Be bold, be strong

For the Lord your God is with you.

Be bold, be strong,

For the Lord your God is with you.

I am not afraid,

I am not dismayed,

Because I'm walking in faith and victory,

Come on and walk in faith and victory,

For the Lord your God is with you.

I often find that songs that seem to be the simplest, actually have some profound truths hidden behind a catchy tune. Those lyrics have power! Our Lord God is with us! We do not have to be afraid, or timid, or embarrassed, or ashamed, or doubtful. We are walking in FAITH and VICTORY! Our God, our Jesus, is with us! The greatest battles have already been won! We have truth on our side! We have life on our side!

Fear and timidity are the by-products of doubt. We’ve all been there. Or at least I know I have. We need to remember that we worship a LIVING God! That our Savior rose from the dead and is WITH US! We are called to BE BOLD for our God! Be STRONG in times of difficulty so that doubt doesn’t get its icy grip on our hearts.

Jesus died and ROSE AGAIN. He died and then defeated death by rising once more, forevermore.  Our Jesus did not abandon us to fight the despair and evil of this world on our own. He lives in us and walks with us daily. When you have the spirit of the LIVING GOD actually dwelling within your very being, how can we not be BOLD and STRONG?? 

Fill us to the brim, Holy Spirit, so we can be BOLD! So that we can exude God’s power and Christ's love! 

Touched by an Angel or Adopted by God?

...To which of the angels did God ever say,“You are my Son;    today I have become your Father”? 

Or again,“I will be his Father,    and he will be my Son”? 

And again, when God brings his firstborn into the world, he says,“Let all God’s angels worship him.” 

In speaking of the angels he says,“He makes his angels spirits,    and his servants flames of fire.”
  

But about the Son he says,“Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever;    a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom. You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness;    therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.”

 --Hebrews 1:5-9 NIV

Photo Credit: Malleni-Stock, deviantart

We live in a society that seems to have no problem with angels. Angels are a pleasant thought to many people. We have poems about them. We have figurines of them. Some people have tattoos of them. In a society that often refuses to believe in God, we seem to readily accept angels in some degree. We like the idea of supernatural beings watching over us. Beings made of pure goodness that protect us from the bad things this world has to offer. Beings that are silent guardians and don’t try to meddle in our lives or our decisions.

Hebrews 1 makes a couple things very clear, however. First, angels are not the delicate creatures of beauty that Hallmark would have us believe. They are “flames of fire”. They are warriors. They were created to fight in the army of God. Occasionally their job may be to protect people, but their primary purpose is to protect God’s kingdom. They are strong servants of God and loyal to Him alone.

Next, and perhaps a more uncomfortable truth for our world to recognize, is that angels are inferior to Christ. Angels worship Jesus Christ, who is recognized as God and sitting on the throne of God. Jesus is our mighty King and commander of that elite warrior army of fiery angels.

So why is it easier to accept angels but not Christ? Because belief in angels comes with no obligations. We do not need to make any life changes to acknowledge an invisible, shiny force that makes us feel better when we’re scared. Angels become a magical force to serve our purposes (even though that is completely inaccurate in regards to the reality of angels).  However, belief in Christ comes with huge implications for our lives. Christ is not a “force” to be used for our purposes. Christ is the mighty God King to which we need to alter our lives for his purposes.

However, this truth is only difficult to accept if you do not understand why. Jesus deserves to be commander, Lord, King and God of our lives because he paid an insurmountable debt for us. Innocent and holy he willingly gave up his life so that we could have every wrong and terrible thing we’ve done wiped out of the record books. He took on punishment so that we could have a privilege that not even the mighty angels get---adoption into God’s family. The honor of being a child of God.

So let us keep that in mind as we live our lives in Christ.

Don't Take the Easy Way Out

 ^"Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?”           -Matthew 26:53-54

I always find it amazing---and proof that the Bible is God’s living Spirit-filled Word—that I can be struck to the core by a familiar passage, despite having read the passage dozens, if not hundreds, of times in my life. In today’s passage I was struck by Jesus’ commitment to living out God’s will, despite having an easy way out. He had armies of angels on hand, at his command, ready and able to wipe out anyone who laid a hand on him, and yet Jesus held back. He knew that his Father, our God, had a plan and—despite the difficulties of that plan—Jesus was committed to seeing that plan through.

I think the reason this passage spoke to me so deeply is that I know that anytime I find myself experiencing difficulty or pain or injustice, I find myself immediately crying out to God to fix things. I don’t seek his will in my circumstances. I don’t trust in him or his timing. Quite simply, I expect God to move at my convenience, rather than putting myself at the ready to move at His will.

I am ashamed to admit that my expectation of God  more often involves him “granting me wishes” like a genie, than me granting His wishes like a servant or obedient child. I am more likely to cry out with anger and bitterness to God in my times of pain, than to humbly persevere while whispering “Your Will Be Done”.

I am so thankful for Christ’s example. I am grateful for his love, perseverance, and perfect faith. Jesus experienced pain and suffering far beyond what most of us will ever experience---and on par with worst suffering this world has to offer. In his pain, despite the injustice of what was happening to him, Christ never got angry at God, nor did he demand his way. He definitely asked God if there was any other way, but when the path was made clear, Jesus trusted his Father and followed through.

Can I bring myself to trust God like Christ did? Can I set aside my own desires for His? Can I set aside my own comfort and well-being for the sake of His mission? 

God, help me. 

Crisis of Faith: Trying too Hard

"...the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (Galatians 5:6b)

"You, my brothers and sisters were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh, rather, serve one another humbly in love... The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like... But the fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Galatians 5:13, 19-21, 22)

 Something that has plagued me since the very beginning of my walk with Christ is the nagging fear that I'm not "doing enough" for the Kingdom. I am constantly terrified of doing the wrong thing and have a deep desire to do what is right and to make God proud of me. Because of this fear, I often (oh, so often) fall back into the trap of works-based faith. I need to do something to make God happy! I need to find something of "Mother Theresean" proportions to accomplish for God so that he gives me a "gold star" when I get to Heaven.

I've been struggling with a great deal of anxiety over this issue recently. I've been questioning whether God really cares about me and what I might have done wrong that caused him to, seemingly, stop hearing me. My heart is in turmoil. My mind races. My eyes well up with tears and I cry out in a panic, begging God to show me what I need to do.

Someone recently pointed me towards the book of Galatians, saying, "Those believers were struggling with exactly the same things you are! I really think you should have a read through it." As I read through it during a sleepless night of anxiety, I found myself rediscovering truths that I knew, but had forgotten, and found particular comfort in Galatians 5.

I read verse 6 over and over and over again. All that matters is faith expressed through love. All that matters. Faith through love.

At my church I'm involved in a Young Marrieds group that discusses nurturing a marital relationship in Christ, and I am sometimes struck at how well marital truths fit my relationship with Christ. Something came up in conversation at our last meeting where my husband brought up the fact that spouses often swear that they would do "anything" for each other, but often "anything" is a gallant gesture of something grand, when the relationship would actually flourish better under constant small gestures of love. To quote him directly, "It's like saying, I would die for you, but I won't do the dishes."

I find that this is how my relationship with God has been. I am constantly saying, "God! I'll do anything for you! Just tell me what you need, and I'll be there! I'll die for you!" But when God asks for the simple "chore" of loving others and having faith, I wave it off and wait for the opportunity to offer a grander gesture.

Galatians really struck me in the fact that faith and love are "all that matter." If I can't have faith and love in the simple day-to-day interactions I have with people, how can I possibly expect to live a grand life of faith and love?

The second part of Galatians 5 that I quoted appeals to the "thinkers" like me who need more than just the simple statement of "faith and love." My biggest downfall is that I live too much in my head. As a teacher, I am used to giving detailed instructions of my expectations to my students and, as such, I think I expect my Teacher to give me the same. So, Galatians 5 goes on to outline what expressing faith through love looks like--and what it doesn't.

At first glance, the list of "do nots" looks extreme--- "Of course I wouldn't do that!", I say to myself. But then familiar follies of the flesh start appearing... hatred...jealousy...envy...rage...selfish ambition... 

I winced as I read those.

I need to strengthen my "faith" and "love" muscles and get the Spirit to help me out, as those sins are very much a part of my life. Maybe I should stop focusing on my "gold star" moment, and start focusing on allowing the Spirit to lead me in the simple things.

I find there is both freedom and frustration in the simplicity of being asked to have faith and, therefore, love. Freedom because my salvation doesn't depend on some amazing act on my part. Frustration because my perfectionist, academic self likes to be "best". I like to be top of my class. I like to accomplish "great things" and get awards or pats on the back. Uh---there's my selfish ambition creeping back into the picture!

I pray, with all my heart, that God would help me love. I pray that my faith would be strengthened so that I can set aside the anxieties that go along with feeling pressured to "accomplish" for God, rather than simply "living" for God. Because, as we know, all that matters is faith expressed through love.

Amen.

Joy: Transforming a Fumbling Faith

As a “mini ministry” and as a personal accountability tool, I’ve been working on this blog for the past two-and-a-half years and called it “The Daily Stumbler.” I decided on this moniker as an expression of who I felt I was in my faith---a person trying their best, but often tripping over their own feet when it came to following Christ. My faith has been one of my greatest joys and one of my greatest struggles, and this blog became an exploration of this wild journey.  

I obviously want my faith to be more joy and less struggle, and in response to the recent focus of our church on joy, I decided to really explore what joy truly meant in a biblical context. In my meanderings through scripture, I found a few recurring ideas:

Joy should be outward and apparent

Joy, throughout the bible, is almost always accompanied by some elaborate, outward expression. Joy involves good food, laughter, relationships, music, singing, shouting, dancing. No one just secretly “holds onto” their joy. Joy is wriggly and vibrant and just needs to burst out and be announced!

Joy is a reaction to blessing and an expression of gratitude

Do you remember as a kid (or even as an adult!) when you were handed a brightly wrapped box, garnished with curly ribbons and shiny bows? Do you remember tearing open that paper to find a gift that you longed for and hoped for? Do you remember your reaction? For most kids, the reaction to follow is pure, uncensored joy. They hop up and down wildly! They wrap their gift-givers in big bearhugs and squeeze them tight, shouting, “thankyouthankyouTHANKYOU!” They squeal with utter delight and nearly vibrate with positivity and gratitude.

Well, this is what happened in the bible when people received a gift from God: Victory in battle. Healing from disease. Freedom from oppression. An empty womb is filled with life. A good harvest. Undeserved mercy. Fulfilled promises. Salvation.

Joy is expressing deepest gratitude to God for a blessing.

Joy follows pain

Just as night is brought to a close with dawn, pain is brought to a close with joy. All of the aforementioned gifts were preceded by pain and sorrow: War, disease, oppression, infertility, back-breaking work, sin, doubt-filled waiting, condemnation.  It may be cliché to say, but it’s true: a person can’t know joy without knowing sorrow. The ecstasy of joy is due to the fact that you were delivered from something.

An example, which pales in comparison to true joy, would be a person walking with a backpack loaded down with supplies. The pack weighs him down---the straps digging into his shoulders painfully. While any other person just walking around feels no keen happiness at that fact, that backpacker—once delivered from his burden—will feel a sense of relief and happiness for the ability to walk around unhindered. His body will feel light and free! A smile and a sigh of relief will cross his lips as he slips the pack off his shoulders.

In the bible, God assured us of pain, but promised us joy will follow. Just as the sweetness of sugar is intensified after eating something bitter, so also is the rush of joy intensified after deliverance from pain and sorrow.

True Joy comes from God

The interesting thing about my exploration of joy in the bible was that it wasn't exclusive to the righteous. The bible does say that all people experience joy in some form. However, it is made clear that the “artificial joy” experienced by the wicked “is brief, the joy of the godless lasts but a moment.” (Job 20:5) Joy, in its true, everlasting form, comes directly from God.

Time and time again, the people who experienced pure joy found it in God’s Spirit. The Holy Spirit filled them up and let the joy overflow. A life void of joy is a life void of Spirit. People who were in the presence of God, or had his Holy Spirit fill them up, found joy that managed to endure through difficult circumstances. They found that, no matter what, they had been redeemed and that could never be taken away from them. That was enough to supply gratitude and joy despite pain or difficulty. Those who experienced the greatest sorrow in the bible were those who felt forsaken by God. An absence of God's presence, whether perceived or real, results in an absence of joy. 

As a “Stumbler”, I often find myself living joylessly. Sure, I have those mountaintop “highs” where joy is bursting at my heart’s seams…however, life sometimes gets in the way. My selfishness and anxieties creep back into the picture. Before I know it, my heart is filled with worldly concerns and the Spirit has been squeezed into a corner. If I want to stop Stumbling and start Leaping with Joy, I need to allow the Spirit of God to fill me up and possess my heart and thoughts.

When my heart is Spirit-filled and Spirit-led, 

joy becomes a permanent expression of who I am in Christ, 

rather than being a temporary response to good circumstances.

I long for the day that I can honestly declare to the world that I am a “Daily Stumbler” no longer—that my sorrow, doubts, and trepidation have been permanently replaced by God-given joy. A joy so real and intense that it assures me of my next step in Christ and radiates from me so brightly that others are drawn in and compelled to declare “I want what she has.”  

Transforming the Ordinary

The disciples went and did as Jesus had instructed them. They brought the donkey and the colt and placed their cloaks on them for Jesus to sit on. A very large crowd spread their cloaks on the road, while others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted,

“Hosanna to the Son of David!”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”

When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, “Who is this?”

The crowds answered, “This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.”  

                                   -Matthew 21:6-11 

In this passage, I was struck by how our God elevates the ordinary--or even undesirable-- into something holy.  Jesus, our God and King, used a donkey as his mighty stallion. Palm branches were used as flags announcing his glory. Ragged cloaks were used as his red carpet treatment. And even God himself became an ordinary human being… the humble son of a tradesman.

I think that God loves surprising us. He loves showing us what he can do with a few simple ingredients, even when it comes to our relationship with him. All God needs is us to be willing to take the very next step with him and he can transform that step, and those to follow, into something amazing. We don’t need the extraordinary faith to leap—our God only requires the ordinary faith we have--even if that's only enough for a baby step-- and He’ll take it from there.

Even the communion table, which we use to remember the burden Christ took for us and the grace he continuously extends to us, uses simple, ordinary symbols. Wine and bread. The staples of Jesus’ day. Sustenance that even the poorest of people understood. If he had been born into our society, it may have been tap water and canned soup.

However, in Jesus’ hands, ordinary bread becomes a symbol of our Savior’s body being beaten and broken---taking our deserved punishment. He tore up the bread and explained to his disciples that his body would have to endure something similar.

Then, Jesus took an ordinary pitcher of wine and slowly poured it into a cup, explaining that his blood would flow and spill for our sake.

We remember these things so that we could put our hearts in the right place… we can remember that Jesus wasn't just some ordinary man, dying an ordinary criminal’s death. No, God elevated this act to a miracle. This act paid our debt and the extraordinary resurrection to follow reconciled us with God.

Ordinary becomes holy: 

A donkey becomes a King’s steed. 

Bread and wine become symbols of redemption. 

You and I become children of God. 

It truly is amazing.

Truly Good Person?

When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly.

-1 Corinthians 4:12b-13a

 Occasionally I give a brief meditation prior to communion being distributed to the church on Sundays. This week is one of those weeks. In preparing for my message, I was reflecting on how a relationship with God is like a marriage, and how it requires sacrificial love and undying commitment. Additionally, I talked about how the communion table can act as a sort of "vow renewal" ceremony between God and his followers (I'll post the full text of the communion message later this week). However, in reflecting on that and my "vows" to God, I began to feel horrible about how spectacularly I fail in loving my God and following Him.

Anyone can be a good, patient, loving person when life is going well. The true test of a person's character comes when life is difficult, unfair, or painful. All too often I find myself failing miserably and reverting back to a toddler mentality when life isn't going my way and I begin to throw a tantrum at God's feet.

"Why me? No fair! Arg!" 

*stomp, grumble, grumble, cry*

The mask comes off, and the ugly starts to show.

The worst part of it all is catching a glimpse of my reflection and realizing that I'm not the person I thought I was.

I grew up in a church that, I've come to realize, was quite legalistic. Good Christians are good people who do good things and are, therefore, good Christians. It was a cycle of works-based faith. However, in reflecting on my guilt today and the countless times I've failed in the "good person" department, I've come to a very (simplistically) profound and freeing realization:

There is no such thing as a truly good person. 

There is only God working in people who let Him. 

For many "churched" people, this is kind of a "well, duh" statement. It's theology 101. However, this is the first time it's truly hit me. I spend so much time trying so very hard to be a good person and do the "right" thing, that I forget to spend time pursuing God in order to do His thing. I need to work on my faith and deepen my relationship with Him and stop worrying about my feeble attempts to impress Him. 

"...no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works..."     -Romans 3:20

"...at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace."  -Romans 11:5-6 

Trying to impress God by "being a good person" is like a toddler trying to impress their parent by painting a "masterpiece" on the living room wall with crayon. Not only will we fail miserably, we will likely receive the complete opposite reaction of what we were hoping for. We'll only end up frustrating/angering God rather than impressing Him! What God wants is a relationship with us. We were already saved by grace. There is no need to impress anyone anymore. Our job now is to fall madly in love with God and to trust Him. Once we accomplish those two things, everything else will fall into place---not because we suddenly became "better" or more impressive, but because our hearts will be finally in a place where God can work through us.

 This is good news! Gone is the oppression of guilt and perfectionism! *poof!* We are FREE!

Return on Investment

 “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be...Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and [God] will give you everything you need.So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

                     -Matthew 6: 19-21, 33-34 (NLT)

This was the passage studied in my church this morning, and I found myself jotting down a few notes and fervently underlining, capitalizing, and circling some main ideas that really spoke to me and opened my eyes.

The bottom line was: Time in this life is finite. Time is my most precious treasure--- how am I investing it?

The question our pastor posed today is: What does "seeking the Kingdom of God first" look like? 

All too often, people (**coughcoughmecough**) live our lives in a frenzy. We are over-committed, over-entertained, and over-stressed. We invest our time poorly. Often our time investments are legitimate---relationships, work, etc---however, sometimes our time investments are less noble---Facebook, TV, video games, etc. Whether legitimate or not, often our most precious treasure--our time and energy--is spent on "earthly" things. Our order of focus is:

 Work + Relationships + Fun = Life (+ squeeze God in here somewhere!)

However, really, that equation is completely backwards.

God = Life (+what else do I have time for?)

Obviously, we can't sit around reading our bibles and praying all day long. That's far from what a Godly life is all about. However, we are asked to seek Him and His will first. This means a few things:

1) God is an integral part of my day. I should be praying to Him, thinking about Him, and thanking Him every step of the way.
2) God's Word is first on the "To Do" list. I shouldn't go to bed without digging into my Bible! Often I live my life---work, time with people I love, entertainment--- and I find myself going to bed too tired to think about reading and leaving it for "tomorrow".
3) Focused time with God. When I have time carved out to spend getting to know God and reflecting on His word, that time should be completely free of anxiety or distractions. This might require I get up 30 minutes before the rest of the house, or stay up 30 minutes later. This also means that I'm not running through my chore list in the back of my mind while spending time with Him. This point actually reminded me of the times that I've talked to my husband on the phone when he was out of town and I could always tell when I didn't have his full attention. Sometimes he was watching TV, organizing his stuff, or was on his computer while talking to me and it was always very obvious and very frustrating/offensive to me. I always asked him, "I'm not asking for much! I just want to be the only thing you're focusing on for the next 20 minutes! Talk with me! Be engaged in our conversation!" ... and I can only imagine God saying the same thing to me during our prayer time!
4) We need to "become God with skin on" to those around us. That means we're full-time Christians engaging with the world around us in love, faith, hope, humility, and  forgiveness. The world is not going to be "convinced" of our faith because we preach at them every once in a while, or because we go to church on Sundays, or because we point out all their sins. The world will only be convinced when we fully embody who God is. The only way that happens is if we've been putting God first and have gotten to know Him intimately through our relationship with Him.

The big realization I've come to is that I, ashamedly, have been investing my time poorly. I've spent more time in the void of mindless entertainment than I do in pursuit of God. What's the return of investment on Facebooking? YouTubing? Workaholism? Not a whole lot. However, the return of investment on prioritizing a life of faith and a relationship with God is infinite.

I'm just hoping I can remember that. I'd hate to pull my "Eternity Fund" only to make a few bad investments and end up losing big time.

Talking With God

"My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' 

And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'"

-Psalm 27:8 NLT

Since getting back into my bible and committing to read it consistently, I've found myself reflecting a lot on hearing and responding to God in prayer. I wanted to share some realizations I've had recently about my prayer life. I read the above verse yesterday as I was flipping through Psalms, and the profound thought hit me: God is inviting me to converse with him! That fact, in and of itself, is amazing. I am one of billions of people on this planet, but God still personalizes himself and invites each heart to simply "come and talk". 

But what do we say when we get into that conversation?

I've, ashamedly, come to realize that my prayer life has become extremely self-centered. I am constantly asking God for stuff and complaining about difficult situations. My heart too closely resembles the Israelites' in Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers. My heart complains when it should be thanking. I often don't know how good I have it and am blinded by "inconveniences". No matter what happens, I've enjoyed luxuries 90% of the world's population has only dreamed about. I not only have my basic needs taken care of, but I also have countless "comforts" on top of that. I've learned that, because I have a roof over my head and a car to drive, I am in the top 1% of wealthiest people on the planet. It's not often that middle-class North America remembers that it is truly rich in comparison to the larger world.

While reflecting on the passages dealing with the Israelites' exodus from Egypt and time in the wilderness, I've been reminded that:

1. God is God and is worthy of respect. I should be speaking to him with the same respect and reverence that I would speak to a national leader.
2. God is family. I should be loving towards him and admiring who he is. 
3. God is merciful. I should be endlessly thankful towards him in the same way I would be thankful towards a friend/stranger who decided to pay off all my past, present, and future debts.
4. God is never deserving of my anger/wrath. I am in no position to complain given the fact that he has saved me and accepts me, despite all my flaws and mistakes. Just because I don't understand why something is happening, doesn't mean I have the right to get demanding/disrespectful towards God. To quote an unknown author, "When you are going through something difficult and wonder where God is, remember a teacher is always silent during a test."

This doesn't mean we should never ask God for anything. Moses constantly pleaded with God to change His mind on various plans. However, we need to be very aware of what we are asking for and what motivations lie behind those requests. Are we merely being selfish? Are we only concerned with our own comfort? Remember, God never promised to keep us comfortable. Quite the opposite. Comfortable people don't grow. Comfortable people don't respond to challenge. Comfortable people don't work any harder than they have to. God promised us a difficult life, but a rich and rewarding life. We need to keep this in mind if God refuses our requests or doesn't seem to answer our prayers. His will is His own. He sees the big picture. We're only looking at one pixel at a time.

I really hope that I can keep the lines of communication consistently open from now on. I seem to get on a spiritual "rollercoaster", where one week I'm on top of the world singing a "Hallelujah" chorus, and the next week I'm at the bottom of the valley, ignoring God, and distracted by my own "difficult" life. I pray that God would give me His heart, to know His will, and the faith/courage to actually do His will.

Sometimes all this Stumbling around gets tiresome.