Marriage: When No One Steers

"Look Ma! No hands!"

My last post addressed the Biblical perspective of a man and a woman's role in a marriage. The next few blog posts will be mostly anecdotal (this one included), so please make sure you take a look at the first post before reading on.

So, we know that God intended for men to take the lead in marriage. But what happens when women willingly offer to let their husbands drive the marriage, and the men don't step up? As I said in my first post, I've been somewhat of a pendulum when it comes to marriage leadership. My main problem is that in certain areas, I want complete control. In other areas I want him to have complete control. The pendulum sways back and forth and thus my poor husband ends up confused as to what he's supposed to do at any given point.

The main area that I always believed and desired my husband to be leading in was the Spiritual department. When I was young, I had envisioned for myself a husband to act as a pastor to me, to pray with and for me. A husband who would take the initiative to lead family Bible studies and would be the first one out of bed on Sundays encouraging everyone else to get ready and get enthusiastic for church. Unfortunately... I think I forgot to give my husband the memo on that one before we got married.

So the parable of our life would go something like this:

ME: (driver's seat) Aaaah, I love driving.
HUSBAND: You know, I'd kinda like to drive for the next stretch
ME: NO! MINE!
HUSBAND: Eee.. okay, I don't want to fight with you. You can keep driving...

(A while down the road)

ME: (still in driver's seat) Oh! There's a spiritual matter up ahead! I don't want to drive through this!
(Takes her hands off the wheel)
HUSBAND: What? I don't know how to drive through the next section. You've always liked driving and now you suddenly want me to take over for the hardest part? Nuh uh, I don't think so.
ME: I am not putting my hands back on this wheel for this section! I'm waiting for you to drive!
HUSBAND: ZzzzzzZZZzzzzzzZZZzzzz
ME: (hands still up in the air, looking expectantly and anxiously at her husband)

SIGN: CAUTION: Cliff Ahead.

ME: (refusing to put hands back on the steering wheel)

Ok, it's a silly little tale, but it pretty much encapsulates what happens when no one drives--whether its in spiritual matters, financial matters, or anything else. The relationship is being set up for disaster, and even though you can see it coming, if both parties refuse to steer, you're going to crash and burn. For a while, this is what happened in my relationship. I just plain took my hands of the wheel when it came to spiritual matters and waited for my husband to chauffeur me to God. What happened instead was I became apathetic in my relationship with God and took no responsibility for it at all.

The fact of the matter is, if I haven't been letting my husband steer at all up to this point, I can't just take my hands off the wheel in the middle of driving and expect him to immediately take over. I need to slowly hand it over to him. In addition to this, I am not void of responsibility after relinquishing the driver's seat. I am still responsible for my own spiritual growth an well-being. I need to take the initiative to ensure things are headed in the right direction.
I am still responsible to make my contributions to the relationship and to take care of my own obligations. If I'm not praying or getting myself out of bed for church on Sundays, no amount of leadership from my husband is going to get my spiritual life in order.

The same is true for other marital issues. If we were to look at this from a financial standpoint the key factors hold true. If I've been taking care of finances the whole time and I suddenly decide I want hubby to take control, I can't just throw my hands up in the air and stop paying bills, stop going to work, etc and expect him to know how to immediately take over. I need to slowly usher him in. However, even if hubby is and always has been leading financial matters in the house, this does not dissolve me of all responsibility. I still need to make sure I am contributing (either by having a job of my own, or by taking care of the house as a stay-at-home-wife). I also need to make sure I am prudent with my own spending.

All in all, I have learned that I can't just take my hands off the wheel at a whim and expect hubby to immediately jump into the driver's seat. While this is the case in my marriage, some marriages have had no one driving right from day one. This is just as dangerous and also gets you no where. A marriage can not be left without a driver. It needs to be constantly steered in the right direction, or it will quickly get off track.

I've made the mistake of hogging the steering wheel. So once I decided to relinquish it, I now have the added responsibility of helping my husband into the driver's seat. How can I help my husband make this transition? How can I encourage his leadership?

1) Offer my advice: -leaders don't lead alone. They often need to consult with others to decide how best to proceed.
2) Pray: -I can pray for my husband-- that God will equip him to be a good leader, and that God will equip me to be humble.
3) Contribute my talents: -leaders are wise to delegate some responsibilities to those who are gifted. So, for example, if I am good with money and organization, perhaps hubby would delegate keeping our finances in order to me. However, he'd still be there to supervise, help, guide, and encourage.
4) Encourage: -find ways for hubby to take the lead and encourage him in it. Praise him for a job well done (i.e. getting the Bible out, handing it to him, and asking him if he'd mind reading it to me. )
5) Allow him to make mistakes: -everyone has to make mistakes every once and a while. In addition to this, what I may view as a "mistake" from my perspective, might not be a mistake at all. I need to learn to sit back and let him make the final decision when we come to a fork-in-the-road. If his way actually ends up being a mistake, he'll learn from it. This is a very tough one for me as this is the BIG area that requires me to yield to his leadership. All of the above points allow me to do something. This point requires I don't do something. Notice that yielding comes after all other steps. Putting my hands up in the air is not a good first step, but taking my hands off the wheel is a necessary last step.

Tomorrow we'll explore what happens when that last step doesn't happen.