Crisis of Faith: Trying too Hard

"...the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (Galatians 5:6b)

"You, my brothers and sisters were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh, rather, serve one another humbly in love... The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like... But the fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Galatians 5:13, 19-21, 22)

 Something that has plagued me since the very beginning of my walk with Christ is the nagging fear that I'm not "doing enough" for the Kingdom. I am constantly terrified of doing the wrong thing and have a deep desire to do what is right and to make God proud of me. Because of this fear, I often (oh, so often) fall back into the trap of works-based faith. I need to do something to make God happy! I need to find something of "Mother Theresean" proportions to accomplish for God so that he gives me a "gold star" when I get to Heaven.

I've been struggling with a great deal of anxiety over this issue recently. I've been questioning whether God really cares about me and what I might have done wrong that caused him to, seemingly, stop hearing me. My heart is in turmoil. My mind races. My eyes well up with tears and I cry out in a panic, begging God to show me what I need to do.

Someone recently pointed me towards the book of Galatians, saying, "Those believers were struggling with exactly the same things you are! I really think you should have a read through it." As I read through it during a sleepless night of anxiety, I found myself rediscovering truths that I knew, but had forgotten, and found particular comfort in Galatians 5.

I read verse 6 over and over and over again. All that matters is faith expressed through love. All that matters. Faith through love.

At my church I'm involved in a Young Marrieds group that discusses nurturing a marital relationship in Christ, and I am sometimes struck at how well marital truths fit my relationship with Christ. Something came up in conversation at our last meeting where my husband brought up the fact that spouses often swear that they would do "anything" for each other, but often "anything" is a gallant gesture of something grand, when the relationship would actually flourish better under constant small gestures of love. To quote him directly, "It's like saying, I would die for you, but I won't do the dishes."

I find that this is how my relationship with God has been. I am constantly saying, "God! I'll do anything for you! Just tell me what you need, and I'll be there! I'll die for you!" But when God asks for the simple "chore" of loving others and having faith, I wave it off and wait for the opportunity to offer a grander gesture.

Galatians really struck me in the fact that faith and love are "all that matter." If I can't have faith and love in the simple day-to-day interactions I have with people, how can I possibly expect to live a grand life of faith and love?

The second part of Galatians 5 that I quoted appeals to the "thinkers" like me who need more than just the simple statement of "faith and love." My biggest downfall is that I live too much in my head. As a teacher, I am used to giving detailed instructions of my expectations to my students and, as such, I think I expect my Teacher to give me the same. So, Galatians 5 goes on to outline what expressing faith through love looks like--and what it doesn't.

At first glance, the list of "do nots" looks extreme--- "Of course I wouldn't do that!", I say to myself. But then familiar follies of the flesh start appearing... hatred...jealousy...envy...rage...selfish ambition... 

I winced as I read those.

I need to strengthen my "faith" and "love" muscles and get the Spirit to help me out, as those sins are very much a part of my life. Maybe I should stop focusing on my "gold star" moment, and start focusing on allowing the Spirit to lead me in the simple things.

I find there is both freedom and frustration in the simplicity of being asked to have faith and, therefore, love. Freedom because my salvation doesn't depend on some amazing act on my part. Frustration because my perfectionist, academic self likes to be "best". I like to be top of my class. I like to accomplish "great things" and get awards or pats on the back. Uh---there's my selfish ambition creeping back into the picture!

I pray, with all my heart, that God would help me love. I pray that my faith would be strengthened so that I can set aside the anxieties that go along with feeling pressured to "accomplish" for God, rather than simply "living" for God. Because, as we know, all that matters is faith expressed through love.

Amen.