Want it So Bad it Hurts...

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

-Proverbs 14:30

Have you ever wanted something so bad--so desperately--it literally and physically hurt? 

Boy, have I! Not petty little things... no, I only have "noble" wants. They're barely even "wants"; they're verging on "needs". Heck, I have a right to them. 

I remember as a teenager I desperately wanted a boyfriend; a romantic, committed relationship. I watched in agony as my friends seemed to always have someone special on their arm---taking them out for dates, giving them thoughtful gifts, whispering sweet nothings in their ear. All the while, I sat angrily and bitterly and sorrowfully...single. 

Eventually I found my guy (and got married to him at 19!), and then the "sniper scope" of my heart's desire shifted... to career, to home, to children, to...to...to...

Each and every time (and currently) I've soaked my pillow with tears of sorrow stressing over my next goal. I became envious of those around me who attained "my goals" before me. I became angry at God for not answering my pleading prayers in a timely manner. My heart became raw and sore from the agony my envy had caused me. My "bones were rotting". 

I know I should trust God and be at peace with my current position in life--no matter what that may be. But for some reason, what my brain knows, my heart ignores. I'll try to distract myself and I'll even beg God to forgive me and to help me be at peace... but still my heart longs. Still my heart envies. Still my heart hurts. 

This is one of those posts where I don't have the answers. These past few weeks I've had a very focused struggle in this area. I somehow feel I have a right to my "noble" desires; and beyond that, I have right to them first and now. I will become disgusted with myself and even angry with myself. 

"I don't want to be this person!" I've prayed and scolded myself. "God, I'm so sorry... help me not to be this envious, hurting person!"

"...godliness with contentment is great gain." 

-1 Timothy 6:6

 Indeed, it is. I am not a godly person. I truly live my life one Stumble at a time. I wish God would pick up my feet and help me to walk confidently and contentedly. Instead, I choose to put on the blinders of Selfishness and complain about the pain I feel when I keep falling on my face.

Today's (and everyday's) prayer is that I'd be able to live with joy and trust God completely, rather than hinging my entire being---contentment, faith, hope, etc--on whether or not my "noble desires" will be fulfilled--now or ever. Be renewed, rather than rotting.


God,
Forgive me. Cultivate my mustard seed faith, so that it will grow and blossom. Help me to live a life of joy in pursuit of You, rather than living a life of envy in pursuit of happiness. 
Amen

Hunger Pangs

"My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go meet with God?" --Psalm 42:2

One of my New Year's resolutions was to get fit, lose some weight, and eat healthy. As part of my plan to lose some weight, I've been counting calories and limiting my intake.

The result?

I'm HUNGRY all the time! My stomach aches, my mood shifts to irritable grouch-monster, and my motivation to do anything that requires exertion is nil. If I exercise and forget to up my hydration, the THIRST kicks in... my mouth is dry, my throat burns, and I begin to fantasize about cool, smooth, water.

The Bible often uses the metaphor of hunger and thirst in reference to our relationship with God. What does this say about our spiritual relationship?

1) It's a Need: -I have (more times than I'd like to admit) treated my relationship with God as a nice addition to my life that I pay attention to when I have time, rather than chasing after it with the ferocity I chase down a glass of water after 45 minutes of intense cardio. You don't eat/drink; you die. You don't chase after God constantly; your spirit dies.

2) It has widespread effects: -malnourishment has all kind of repercussions: emaciation, lethargy, fatigue, fainting, poor mood, organ failure, etc. In the same way, a starving spirit has many consequences. While I don't get a sharp pain in my soul when I start neglecting my relationship with God (a pain like I get in my stomach when I haven't eaten for a few hours and my last meal was small to begin with!), the pain still manifests itself in different ways--depression, anxiety, more arguments with loved ones, impatience, selfishness... I could go on and on.

 3) It's up to you: -I can be surrounded by food and still be hungry. It's my choice to eat. God always makes himself available to us, so it's not His fault when we stubbornly refuse to acknowledge him and our spirit starves. It's our fault. We're the ones that choose whether or not to pursue and cultivate the relationship. God is always there; always inviting... but he's not going to force himself on us.

We need to learn to see the signs of spiritual starvation and soul thirst. We need to stop ignoring our spiritual "hunger pangs", and instead chase after God with ferocity, desperation, and deepest desiring.

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." --Psalm 84:2