Want it So Bad it Hurts...

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

-Proverbs 14:30

Have you ever wanted something so bad--so desperately--it literally and physically hurt? 

Boy, have I! Not petty little things... no, I only have "noble" wants. They're barely even "wants"; they're verging on "needs". Heck, I have a right to them. 

I remember as a teenager I desperately wanted a boyfriend; a romantic, committed relationship. I watched in agony as my friends seemed to always have someone special on their arm---taking them out for dates, giving them thoughtful gifts, whispering sweet nothings in their ear. All the while, I sat angrily and bitterly and sorrowfully...single. 

Eventually I found my guy (and got married to him at 19!), and then the "sniper scope" of my heart's desire shifted... to career, to home, to children, to...to...to...

Each and every time (and currently) I've soaked my pillow with tears of sorrow stressing over my next goal. I became envious of those around me who attained "my goals" before me. I became angry at God for not answering my pleading prayers in a timely manner. My heart became raw and sore from the agony my envy had caused me. My "bones were rotting". 

I know I should trust God and be at peace with my current position in life--no matter what that may be. But for some reason, what my brain knows, my heart ignores. I'll try to distract myself and I'll even beg God to forgive me and to help me be at peace... but still my heart longs. Still my heart envies. Still my heart hurts. 

This is one of those posts where I don't have the answers. These past few weeks I've had a very focused struggle in this area. I somehow feel I have a right to my "noble" desires; and beyond that, I have right to them first and now. I will become disgusted with myself and even angry with myself. 

"I don't want to be this person!" I've prayed and scolded myself. "God, I'm so sorry... help me not to be this envious, hurting person!"

"...godliness with contentment is great gain." 

-1 Timothy 6:6

 Indeed, it is. I am not a godly person. I truly live my life one Stumble at a time. I wish God would pick up my feet and help me to walk confidently and contentedly. Instead, I choose to put on the blinders of Selfishness and complain about the pain I feel when I keep falling on my face.

Today's (and everyday's) prayer is that I'd be able to live with joy and trust God completely, rather than hinging my entire being---contentment, faith, hope, etc--on whether or not my "noble desires" will be fulfilled--now or ever. Be renewed, rather than rotting.


God,
Forgive me. Cultivate my mustard seed faith, so that it will grow and blossom. Help me to live a life of joy in pursuit of You, rather than living a life of envy in pursuit of happiness. 
Amen