A Stumbler's Walk with Christ: A Personal Testimony

“If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.” –Romans 10:9-10 (NIV)

I am fortunate and blessed to have a legacy of faith in my family. For as many generations as my family can remember, we have been Christians. There is a heritage in Christ. However, that’s not to say that my lineage hasn't had its share of non-believers. Every individual needs to make the choice for him or herself. Some choose to continue the legacy of faith, and some don’t. The important thing here is that Christianity isn't just a family tradition for me. Christianity is a hard-fought faith. My faith has been a journey for me and I have wrestled with difficulties and doubt along the way—which is how my blog developed its moniker!

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not perfect, nor do I have all the answers. However, in exploring my faith honestly and critically, I can resolutely and with peace of mind declare: Jesus is true. Jesus is the perfect Son of God who was killed and miraculously resurrected so that I (along with anyone else who acknowledges the truth) could be reunited with God.

However, being the emotional and academic person that I am, this declaration is not always an easy decision to stick to. Becoming a Christian is more than a momentary “conversion experience.” Being a Christian involves a daily (or even minute-by-minute) decision to put my own desires on the back-burner and bring God’s agenda to the front. It’s not easy, and I have had more than my fair share of screw-ups.

My earliest memories begin to surface as the age of five. I remember telling my mom one night at bedtime that I wanted to be a Christian. She guided me through a simple prayer…

Dear Jesus,

I believe you died for me and rose again. Forgive me for my sins. I want you to come into my heart.

Amen.

While many have prayed some variation of a “Sinner’s Prayer”, this moment was the beginning of a journey for me. In my early childhood I remember being frightened of not “really” being saved, and therefore repeated some variation of a Sinner’s Prayer over and over again throughout childhood and adolescence. For better or for worse, I was raised in a denomination that I now consider fairly legalistic—I feel like the emphasis was on rules and being saved from hell, rather than the emphasis being on grace and a relationship with God.

However, regardless of the pitfalls of some of the ideas I had growing up; the blessing comes in the fact that I had a good start. I was raised in a family of faith and in a caring church community. I am forever thankful for that early kick-start!

At age six I decided it was time to take the next step in my faith commitment—I decided to get baptized. For those unfamiliar with this ritual, this can seem a bit strange… however, this is the symbolic expression of a Christian’s commitment to their faith. It represents the death of selfish desires and the resurrection of righteousness in Christ. I know that’s a lot of “Christianese”, but suffice it to say that this was an important step in my journey. The timing of my baptism was unusual, however. I do not believe in infant baptism, and as such most people that grow up in a similar denomination wait until adulthood to get baptized. However, I was a tenacious and zealous child and as such I was able to demonstrate an understanding of baptism to my pastor that convinced him I was ready to take that step!

My tenacity of faith continued through my adolescence. I was a passionate child, and while I’m often nostalgic for that carefree heart-first faith, I know it sometimes got me into trouble. My legalistic knowledge of my faith led me to be pushy and judgmental when it came to “witnessing” to my friends. While my intentions may have been good, I’m afraid I went about advertising my faith in the wrong way.

Along the way I went to countless nights of Bible camps and many Christian youth conferences/retreats. Being a Christian was easy. Everything seemed black and white. Emotions ran on over-drive.

But one day, reality hit.

In August 2003, at the age of 16, I went to Ecuador for a year-long exchange trip. This trip affected me in many ways and, by no means the least of these effects, was the fact that this was my first taste of independence. This was my first experience of stepping outside the bubble of protection my parents had carefully constructed around me. I was on my own.

This year was, simultaneously, one of the best and worst years of my life. I cried out to God in my homesickness and loneliness, and, for one of the only times in my life I was completely dependent on Him. As a result, my relationship with God was closer than it ever had been. God was the only one who understood the words I spoke for many months as I struggled to learn the language. He was the only one I could go to, and my utter dependence on him was rewarded by a rich, fulfilling and very real relationship. God was real and near. God spoke to my heart so loudly it was nearly audible.

Ah, but how quickly blessings and mini-miracles are forgotten when the distractions of life creep back in. This seems to be a theme in my life. I have been blessed with some acute close encounters with God. Mini-miracles that I know God had a direct hand in. In those moments I am on a mountaintop and my faith is made real and all doubts removed. However, it doesn't take long for the memory of those moments to fade and for life to pile on the distractions once more.

Another one of these “mini-miracles” happened in my marriage. My husband and I met in high school and were shopping for engagement rings before graduation. We married at the tender age of 19, in 2006. I have no regrets in how young we got married, but we had a great deal of maturing to do and we had forced ourselves to do so together—slowly and painfully.

In 2010, these growing pains reached a critical point. We were both incredibly selfish people and had said and done things to hurt one another along the way, and sparing the unnecessary details, our marriage reached a precarious tipping point. At that point, as I was staring over the cliff’s edge and seeing the death of my marriage looming before me, God took over. He gave me the words to say, patience and love like I’ve never experienced before, and a saturating peace that could only come from Him. God saved my marriage and transformed my husband and me in the process.

It was after the revitalization of my marriage that I made the decision to actively return to my faith. I truly believe God used that heartbreaking experience to strengthen my faith in Him. For years—our entire young marriage—my husband and I had been drifting in our faith and stagnating--we all but walked away entirely. However, after that restoration of our marriage we were drawn back to Him and He transformed our very hearts. My husband and I were both healed and delivered from some very damaging sins.

And yet… the joy of blessings is once again replaced by hopelessness and doubt…

Fast forward to the near-present you will find my husband and me struggling with unexplained infertility. We have been trying for over a year to conceive a child, to no avail. I find it tempting to slip back into despair and accuse God, rather than trust him. However, I have once again come back to a point where I am convinced that God is ready to perform another “mini-miracle” in my life. God has always used the most difficult circumstances of my life to draw me back to Him.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” –Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)  

^“ Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” –James 1:12(NIV)

Why do I believe in God, in Christ? Beyond all the “academic” reasons I've explored already, I believe in God because I have experienced him in very real ways. I have always felt a tugging at my heart in my darkest days, as though the Spirit within me is straining at the bars of my rib cage to drag me back to God. The Prodigal Son didn't recognize his need for his Father until he reached rock-bottom. A person doesn't appreciate water until he’s truly thirsting. A soul doesn't understand its need for God until it’s in turmoil.

I am growing. I am an imperfect person who struggles with anger, impatience, selfishness, and jealousy, but I feel God shaping me and teaching me to be a better person. No one can refute the relationship I know I have with God on a very real, very personal level. I have felt and seen God work in my life. God has brought me through life’s difficulties with a fortified soul. God is proving to me that he is faithful.

And because God is faithful, I have hope in dark times. I have purpose in suffering. I have meaning in life. I have an eternal future that starts today. I have joy because I know I’m forgiven for the times I mess up. I have peace in the promises to come.

Thank you, God. 


*This personal testimony was the conclusion to the "Why Believe?" series