I've Got This Under Control....?

I like to think I’m in control. I carefully organize, plan, and plot my personal and professional life in incremented goals and self-imposed deadlines to give myself the illusion of order in the chaos of life.

And all too often that illusion comes crashing down.

Today I found out that I am NOT pregnant. Again. Back when I thought I had control over something as simple as my own fertility choices, I planned on having four kids. I dreamed of having those four adorable little munchkins 1-2 years apart so that I could start around 23 and be done by the time I was 30. Instead, here I am, years later, with one beautiful $12,000 IVF baby and thousands of additional dollars spent in my attempts to have more. This past year alone I’ve spent MONTHS plagued by hormone-induced insanity in my pursuit of children. I’ve had two cancelled IVF cycles (due to my dysfunctional uterus), one embryo that didn’t survive its Ice Age,  and two failed IVF cycles--thanks to embryos that chose not to stick, despite being given every opportunity of making themselves at home in an eager, medication-prepared uterus.

That’s three children that didn’t come to be. Three sparks of life that failed to ignite. Three dreams shattered. I had already figured out what day they’d be due. I guessed their sex (2 of them were boys, and 1 a girl). I had begun to think of names and plan on how I was going to announce my pregnancy and how I was going to introduce them to their big sister. Plans. Goals. Dreams. Control.

And what do I do when I feel out of control? My anxiety ramps up. My temper flares on a short fuse. I try to find someone to blame for the chaos my life has become-- the meaninglessness of my suffering, the unfairness of it all. I cry, complain, and snarl at God… how could He possibly be in control? And if He is, how can He possibly be Good?

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Like a tantruming, entitled toddler, I throw myself onto the ground and scream in my Father’s face. How dare he defy my will? How dare he claim to know what’s best for me? How dare He?! Does He even love me anymore? Does He even care?

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity...No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:35, 37-39)

Just like a young child who is convinced that what they want is good and they deserve to have it on their timeline, without understanding the love and good intentions of their parents, so too do I fall back into spiritual immaturity and demand my wants on my timeline and misunderstand God’s plan for me.

Control and anxiety have become indicators of pride in my life. I become self-focused and self-centered. I take my eyes off of God and aim for a different prize. I become consumed by my desire to accomplish my goals and attain my desires---and God or other people better not get in my way.

I recently came across a quote by C.S. Lewis that said, “Humility is not about thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” By that definition, I am one of the least-humble people in the world. Pride isn’t always about loud boasting. It can also be about quiet self-absorption.  I am so easily consumed by how I feel, what I want, and what others must be thinking of me, that there is often very little room left for thinking about God or the needs of others.

And I’m supposed to be leading ministry??

I often hesitate to tell anyone my struggles now that I am in charge of Family & Children’s Ministry at my church. I feel pressure to be perfect. To have it all together. To be a “prime example” of Christian living to those I lead. And yet, by attempting to control my image and attempting to put up a facade of “Christian perfection”, I fall far short of God’s standard of “perfection.” I take my eyes off of Him. I shift my care away from others and begin to only care about how I’m being perceived.

Control is a false comfort. We cannot control anything. We are utterly powerless in this life. God is the only one who can control anything, and yet we refuse to trust Him. We doubt either his competence or his goodness. We face tough times in the chaos of life and we begin to question whether God truly cares.

But the truth is, He does. It is no mistake that the bible says “Do not be afraid” more times than any other phrase. He knows that we are easily shaken by our fragile, powerless, mortal condition. He knows that we falter in our trust. (Uh, hello?... Peter nearly drowned himself after suddenly doubting the Guy walking on water in front of him...if there was ever someone to have reason to trust 100% of the time, you'd think it would be a disciple in the middle of witnessing a miracle!)

But His promises remain: He is with us. He will not leave us. He will not stop loving us. He is in control. He is eternally Great & Good, despite what our broken World would have us believe. We are challenged to persevere and grow. We are challenged to give our foolish sense of control over to God. We are challenged to believe God’s promises even when we don’t feel like it. We are encouraged to keep going and come out of our trials stronger than we went in.

I will persevere. I will be humble in the face of personal pain or chaos, because of the Spirit of God working in me. The love Jesus has already shown me is enough to motivate and sustain me. I will choose to believe that God is with me, even when times are tough.

Because “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

Spiritual Consumerism: What's in it for Me?

Consumerism is what drives the success of our Western society. It is the very foundation of our economic structure. Everything hinges on the buying and selling of goods and services. Advertisers spend millions upon millions of dollars in an effort to convince you that their product is something you want--- no need! We are urged, manipulated, and coerced into thinking that particular products will set us apart from the crowd and make us feel better about ourselves. We are courted and seduced by the beckoning flattery that consumerism promises. We are told that it is all about us, our pleasure, our reputation, our attractiveness, our happiness. We are told that we can be made whole by satisfying our desires and feeding our egos-- we deserve it.

And it’s all a lie.

At its core, capitalistic consumerism is benign. Any society depends on the trade of goods & services to be successful and healthy. However, this benign industrial innovation has mutated over time to become a malignant attitudinal cancer in our world. It’s infected our hearts and minds. It has carefully groomed and nurtured a dark part of our souls that has been there since the Fall of Creation: It’s convinced us that how we feel at any given moment is the utmost priority.

My biggest struggle in life is this: to get over my desperate, overwhelming, all-consuming desire to be… comfortable. I want to be emotionally, physically, relationally, financially, psychologically, and spiritually comfortable. I’ve bought into the lie that I deserve to be comfortable. I deserve to live a life that is safe, pleasant, and relatively easy. I deserve … happiness. The serpent coils around this ripe fruit and invites me to take and eat, because this is how I’ll be made whole.

I’ve bought into the lie time and time again.  

It is surprising how prevalent this attitude is among believers, isn’t it? We have the very Word of God set before us--- the Word that blatantly contradicts everything that has to do with any sort of entitlement--- and yet, we continue to believe the lie… that “we deserve”…

Entitlement grasped for forbidden fruit, because we deserved to be like God.

Entitlement raised up the stone that murdered Abel, because Cain deserved to have his sacrifice accepted.

Entitlement jeered at the Son of God--it beat and whipped him, it demanded his death-- because we deserved a Saviour that fit our expectations. We deserved Someone better than a humble carpenter! We deserved to feel like good people and not have to come face-to-face with our sinfulness!

(Oh, thank God He chose not to give us what we actually “deserve!”)

Entitlement culture continues to pervade our daily lives, including the church! How often have we criticized a worship service because we just didn’t “feel” into it? We’re entitled to have an emotional experience! We’re entitled to hear music we like!

Or perhaps we’ve jumped from church to church because we weren’t “getting anything” out of the service? Because we deserve to be spiritually fed? (Or is that "spoon-fed"?)

We’ve turned our backs on serving others because it doesn’t “feel” right. We’ve refused to give because it was difficult. We didn’t speak the Truth in Love because we were afraid of damaging our reputation or losing friends. We live a double life of going through the “Good Christian” motions on Sunday, while living a life of hedonistic selfishness the rest of the week--- because we deserve to have fun! We deserve to be happy! We deserve pleasure and comfort and appreciation and respect and excitement and entertainment… right?

“Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people…
I can’t impress this on you too strongly. God is looking over your shoulder. Christ himself is the Judge, with the final say on everyone, living and dead. He is about to break into the open with his rule, so proclaim the Message with intensity; keep on your watch. Challenge, warn, and urge your people. Don’t ever quit. Just keep it simple.
You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you—keep your eye on what you’re doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God’s servant.” (2 Tim 3:1-5, 4:1-5, MSG)

 

Hmm. Looks like God saw this coming...

The default approach to life for our selfish, sinful hearts is to ask, “What’s in it for me?” It takes incredible effort to continually shift our perspective back to, “What’s in it for God-- and how can I help?” We feel apathetic, uninterested, stressed out, burnt out, and cynical because we’re looking at the world through self-focused lenses--- “how are we feeling about this?” We are loving, peaceful, joyful, patient, selfless, kind, generous, gracious, and faith-filled when we are looking at the world through God-focused lenses---”how is He feeling about this?”

The shift in our lives happens when we recognize the truth of what we really, truly, “deserve” in this life--- nothing. In fact, worse than nothing! We deserved to be “scrapped” as the defective, ungrateful, broken creation we chose to become! But God looks upon his foolish, naive, entitled creatures and extends His hand with an offer to restore us, redeem us, and transform us into His precious children! When we can begin to comprehend that--- even some small fraction of what that means-- our outlook is transformed! What joy! What privilege! What amazing love!

Suddenly church ceases to be about what we “get out of it”, and becomes a place to worship and to practice selfless living. Suddenly people cease to be obstacles/annoyances and begin to be precious image-bearers of God. Suddenly life’s hardships become a spiritual fitness bootcamp where we can exercise our faith “muscles” and grow stronger. Suddenly life’s goodness ceases to be taken for granted as what we “deserved” all along, and becomes precious blessings and gifts from a Good Father.

"Whoever loves the life they have now will lose it. But whoever is willing to give up their life in this world will keep it. They will have eternal life." 

(John 12:25 ERV)

God, my Father,

Help me to see the world through your eyes. Help me to see where you’re working and how I can help. Please forgive me for my warped attitude and for placing my own comfort ahead of my love for You. Help me to grow. Help me to become more like Christ. Refine my heart, so that I can live for you instead of for me. Keep me encouraged in Your work, rather than consumed by mine.